Wednesday, July 6, 2011

I FINALLY started!

****WARNING This post is fairly emotional and has sensitive subject matter******

I have wanted a blog for some time now and want a blog for many reasons... 
to Chronicle my life 
to post all kinds of cool recipes
to get shit out of my mind! 
I would never imagined that a year ago my life would be where it is today. Last year at this time I was suicidal. Its interesting to look back on, now.
My work slows down considerably in the summer. I was broke and had little work. I probably did not have a reliable car (mine liked to die in the summer, like me, it can not take the heat.)

I had just had an amazing experience working at Bonnaroo and had much healing time learning how to make drums. My health was returning but was not "back" yet. But with no health insurance I did not see how that could ever be improved. 
I met an amazing creature that walks this Earth as a man, although he is married to another man. 
My roommate suddenly up and vanished leaving in his wake a world full of drama that he had created.
My son wanted nothing to do with me. 
Life felt like it had no where to go.  I was very lonely too. 

I reached out to a few "friends" who did not have time for me. 
I was lost. 
I began planning my last days on this Earth. I was preparing as best I could to have as little left to do as possible for those left to 'clean up the mess' I began cleaning, making arrangements for my Mimzy, and 'getting my life in order as much as I could. 
I was going to kill myself on my son's birthday... giving him the ultimate Birthday present... he would finally be rid of his Mother.  Its funny now
I do not even remember what I had planned... probably pills... I had enough of them since that was the answer they had for my Migraines. 
Its interesting now... A friend called saying she needed me. I showed up at her house. She saved me. She was as miserable as I was, not wanting to live. Its funny how the mind and emotions work. I could not deprive the world of her beautiful soul but thought nothing of mine.  We made a pact. We would call each other when needed and support each other. I spent a great amount of time with her and it was heavenly. I was beginning to see that life could be worth living again. But was not going to do anything without reaching out to her first.

Out of nowhere "friends" of mine, who had been too busy for me earlier, showed up wanting to hospitalize me. *sigh* its amazing to me how some people can be so clueless. I gathered some friends that I could trust and told them that if i was "hospitalized" I would never leave the hospital because I would make sure to kill myself before leaving. Thankfully they listened. These "friends" called JD. He dropped everything and showed up from Ohio to be with me. I have said that I the thoughts of suicide were gone but to be honest I am not sure. JD spent several days with me and then kidnapped me to Ohio. There I was on 24 hour watch and took some more needed time to heal. 
I survived my son's birthday. (This is something I hope he NEVER finds out about.) I began working on my life again. Envisioning it the way I wanted it... CoCreating my world again. 

Its less than a month till my son's next birthday. In the past year the Beautiful Fae Creature I met at Solstice visited and decided to move here. I am pregnant with the girl I never thought I would have, with the man I never thought existed. We have goals and ambitions that we work on daily. I have only seen my son for 3 weeks over this past year but I have made peace (mostly) with the fact that he is a teenager who is influenced by his Father. His Father although he is a wonderful person places no importance on Family. (He was angry that his son did not give him anything for Fathers Day but set the example by not doing anything for Mothers Day) 

I have removed negative dramas in my life. I am looking forward to a move in the future. 

I am creating my life as We need it. CoCreating my life with my Man, with the Lord and Lady, with my unborn child, and with Myself.  Life indeed is Good :)
Blessed Be

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